minding my own biz

So yes it’s been quite some time since my last post and i need a ranting post! Do i have a good reason? Not really besides the everyday hectic schedule life throws at you and the fact that my class this semester has sucked my muse right out of me.  Lately though many, many posts have been filtering through this head of mine and so i feel i need to get on it and get it all out of there.  I have mentioned my mom in previous posts but its all been vague and still kind of is but i imagine over time there will be several more posts with her as the matter at hand, so it will trickle out over time.

What i want to know is when the hell did her and i switch roles?  I am or so i thought, the daughter here and she is the mother.  Over the last few years our relationship has really declined.  She drinks way too much and i’m not exaggerating.  I also have a 17 year old sister who is still there, stuck there with her and my step-father.  She’s coming up on the last 1/2 of her senior year and just wants to finish it out…..i have agreed to let her stay because thats what she wants.

My mom can’t even discipline this child without calling me to ask me how she should handle this or that which usually just has me saying wtf?  Half the time she doesn’t even take what i tell her since it’s not what she wants to hear.  The big problem lately though is that wonderful Christmas holiday.  I live at least 17 driving hours from my family….for a reason…..but still we do make a trip down at least once if not twice a year.  It’s exhausting, expensive and lately miserable and uncomfortable.  I’ll give her some credit…she did come up here when i bought her plane tickets to get up here but that’s it…i’ve been here for 11 years now and she has come up twice.  And now i’m the asshole because on top of dealing with drama from a home repair that’s getting done by a friend…..which is a whole entire post of its own…….i want my kids to wake up in their house on Christmas morning to see what Santa left for them and i don’t want to travel.

There is really no point at all for this post only to let me bitch.  I now know that i’m not wrong for wanting to stay around home with my family but it is infuriating to me that my own mother can’t understand.  I want to tell her….put down the booze, get out and get a job or take some classes and let me talk some fucking sense back into your head but know that i can never get through to her.  The mother that i looked up to as a young girl, thought the world of and just loved the feel of her arms when they were wrapped around me no longer exists.

From this day forward this will no longer affect me and i am standing up for myself and my family because this is my time with my family now and i want to make the most of it.  I’m tired of the mind games, the selfishness and just the over all pissed off feelings she gives me….no more woman!  It ends here and maybe i can make up for the relationship i lost out on with my own father thanks to her and my step-father keeping me convinced that he was this horrible person.  You know…he’s one of the greatest guys i know….just sucks it took this long for me to realize.  So thanks mom!

My family, they’re or they can be great people, i love them a ton.  Are they perfect? Nope, but they try their best.  The big hangup i have with them is all of the secrets they keep.  They keep secrets so they don’t hurt other loved ones, or so they don’t have to hear shit from loved ones.  My aunt is in her 50’s, smokes ciggs and hides this secret from her mother (my Oma)  for fear of not upsetting her.  There is always some kind of gossip or news going around and i always hear “oh but don’t tell Oma!”.  But why?

I say about a year ago, my mom says it was this past January, my mom drinks more than i do and i certainly have a better recollection of things, but take your pick.  My uncle had something removed from his back, a cancerous growth.  He was then put on chemo and radiation to battle the nasty disease.  He never told Oma.  It was a minor thing and why would he want to upset her?

He finished his course of treatment and we all pretty much went going on about our business.  At a check up with his dr. a few weeks ago he was informed the cancer had come back and spread throughout the body.  He was going to be put on an aggressive treatment of medications.  My dad is his big brother by a whole 9 months.  Throughout this whole ordeal he (my uncle) has been very selective with what he tells either of his siblings.  He has shared more with my aunt, who then shares it with my mother, who then shares it with me.  What he has told my dad has not been the same as my aunt but then my dad also tells my mom, usually after my aunt has already talked with her.  So she sits there and listens to what my dad has to tell her about all that he has learned even though she already knows and usually knows much more, but she sits there and doesn’t say a word.

Last week he suffered a seizure and was taken to the hospital where they found he now has not just 1 but 2 brain tumors.  He’s not even 60 yet, actually has a couple more years to get there.  Why do the good hearted and just all around good ones have to leave us so soon?  I can’t honestly say how bad things have been and for how long because of all the secrets.  But now my 2 cousins will lose their dad, my aunt (his wife) will lose her husband, my dad and aunt will lose their brother, i lose a truly great uncle and my Oma will lose her son.

Unfortunately due to all of the secrets, none of us have even been able to come to terms with all of this and most of all Oma has not been able to.  She thinks he is tired and will be fine soon, it’s complete denial.  Even though he has been taken completely off his treatments, been given morphine to use when he needs it and put on Hospice care, she thinks he’s just tired from the seizure.  I do love this man, he is a great man, father, brother, son and friend.  Now i’m sad thinking about all that i have missed out on since my family and i live so far away from my parents, aunts and uncles over the last 12 years.  But besides the tremendous hurt i feel for my cousins, i feel it the worst for Oma.

Something my Chrysanthalbee said to me about it all is that they all together cheated her time for grief.  Is it better to slowly absorb it or just shock the poor woman?  When the denial finally passes, i worry that it will be too late.  I’m not ready for my uncle to cease to exist in my world but am (or trying to) come to terms with it a little bit everyday, she hasn’t even started.  When you lose a parent you’re orphaned, you lose a spouse and your a widow, when you lose your child….you’re nothing.

I don’t believe in heavens and Gods, actually i don’t know what’s out there but if we get to go on i’d like to imagine it’s all beautiful and breathtaking.  And for the pain he has suffered and what he must still go through he deserves to be surrounded by the beauty of the universe.

Social media, forums, Facebook, Myspace, it’s all the rage these days.  I started with Myspace, moved up to Facebook but have found my home in Twitter.  It is definitely the most involved with any type of social media/forum that i have ever been.  And i must say…..i totally LOVE it!  But it’s all still so out there.  I mean how much of anything do you really believe?  I have found some really great people to chat with throughout the day via twitter but never would i allow myself to get too caught up into whats going on with them.

I think for me, my drama comes from my actual family.  I get enough dealing with a mom who is usually drinking by noon and calling/texting me and just not even being a fully functioning adult.  I have a baby bro i haven’t talked to in ages because he is married to a nasty bitch.   All this is enough drama for me.  I have gotten to the point that i worry about these people much less than i used to, but they are still my family, if something happens to them, it affects me.

My better 1/2 however, has been involved in a forum for several years.  He has been into the online communities and i have always really had a problem with it.  First it was a problem because he was online all day talking with other women, that was my focus.  I got over that.  Then i start hearing stories.  Stories and tales of people with woe.  Some live a lush and easy trust fund life, some are complete douches who think their shit doesn’t stink and talk so much shit they are pretty much intolerable for me.    One that goes on and on about suicide and nonsense.  Another that once he found some hot little thing for him online that happened to live nearby he up and left his wife to move right in with her.

Now don’t get me wrong, i am well aware that this shit happens and exist in every day life.  But it does not have to effect me.  Once my spouse is getting txt messages in the middle of the night or right before we’re getting intimate…..it begins to affect my life.  And who is to say that any of these people and all of their drama are even real.  I mean the person that he is talking with could be an entirely different person on twitter and you could know no difference.  I mean how do you even know that any of the crap these people type is even real?  I could easily make a great and lavish lifestyle filled with all the sex, drugs and rock n roll you could imagine…online…….only to go home to my single wide trailer, with my out of work husband and 6 kids.  This is his drama that he gets into.  I have to admit, i have no clue how real any of it is and i think half of the people are full of shit, at least it’s drama from people he does not know and will mostly never meet.

So, he has his drama and i have mine.  I will go on in my world of Twitter and he will go on with his forum and Twitter discussing the goings on of our daily lives with our online “friends”, thinking of them in their daily routines and what we think we know, but do we really?  Bee and I are doing a cross-polination so for his view…..Bee’s View

I love my social media networking, but it still freaks me out!

Yesterday the WORLD lost an incredible icon.  I remember growing up and hearing my mom speak of the day Elvis died and how the world reacted it to it.  She was so upset, it was just awful.  I don’t remember when Lennon died, but do recall my parents reacting to it even several years later.  They spoke almost as if they knew these people and I questioned how they could feel so much for a person as big as they were.  It’s not like they knew them.

MJ for me, can i even put it into words?  No FN way!  He rocked my world.  I remember watching old vids of him as a kid singing ABC and all the great Jackson 5 songs.  The day Thriller came out I remember going with my step-father and bought the vinyl and it was completely amazing to me, just the cover not to mention it unfolded and had pics and writings (5 year old mind was completely blown!).  My dad told me, “I’m buying this but when you’re older, it will be yours because this guy is really going to do something and really be somebody and you’ll have this vinyl”, didn’t really think of it as much then.

Every year in grade school the 6th grade girls tried out for a dance group and every spring performed some little number for the school, other schools and families.  Every year before my 6th, the dances were ok, i think there were some to Salt n Peppa stuff like that.  But my year, that was MY year.  First of all i tried out for this group, which was hard and i was a total tomboy.  For my bday before the dance group had gotten together and been given our song, my dad and step-mom gave me Bad the tape!  As you can imagine it was….ugh….it was fantastic, i loved it from start to finish.  My favorite though would have to be “The Way You Make Me Feel” and the video, oh i was totally in love with MJ, even jealous of the girl he sang to in the vid.

The day of rehearsals had come and imagine what i felt when the coach put in her tape, pushed play and my ears hear that beat that starts “The Way You Make Me Feel”!  The dance was great, i will have to get the vid from mom sometime and post it for the world to see.  There is really not much of a point to this post and i could say so many things about the King of Pop.  But for me, he was truly an icon, inspiration, legend and i think i forgot how much i truly felt for him until yesterday.  He was a large part of my music life and i am so grateful to have been able to enjoy it for as long as i did.  I can’t let him be forgotten through the youth of my kids……I declare MJ vids all weekend!!

Thank You MJ!  For the way you made us ALL feel!   The Way You Make Me Feel – Michael Jackson

I have spent my whole life thinking bad things about my biological father. I was raised by my mom and step-father and they didn’t always have the greatest things to say about my dad and had no problem letting me know what they thought or how they felt. I truly do not understand why you would do that to a child because of course i believed every word they had to say. You have to know that would affect my relationship with him, so needless to say it’s been a pretty rocky one especially for the last 10 – 15 years(jeez that makes me feel old!).

I’ve grown up now though, don’t get fed bullshit from my parents and totally eat up. They try to feed it to me but i really pay no attention. My dad and i have never been closer, well not since i was an infant and still had a while till i was corrupted, and i LOVE it! I recently talked with him and asked him about the day i was born because i had always been told he was nowhere around as he had been doing his usual partying the night before. When i brought this up to him i think he was flabbergasted, really.

His response to me was that he had something he would be sending me very soon, something he had been working on for a little over 30 years. I was like wtf could this be, since before i was actually alive?! He said its not much really, only for your enjoyment and just to let you know how much i have always thought of you and even when i couldn’t always be with you how much i wished i could. My only thought was ok, what the hell could this possibly be? With him you really can never know.

It came in the mail one day and it was a book full of his poems that he had written through the years of my life including pics from my first one to ones of me when i came home from bootcamp. His first poem was dated 2-24-78, i was not even born until October of ‘78, so i have to imagine this is around the time they had found out that i was coming. So many great things about the book i teared up as i read through it and all the poems are on the original paper that he had written them on, some over 30 years ago.

My favorite one, Lady, sticks out to me the most. I had always wished to be able to be with my dad more, to have him around, to make him proud, show me the great qualities that a great Lady needs to have, little did i know he was always there.

Lady (10/17/79) – by R.O.

This is what i strive for everyday! Have a great weekend and may yours be as wonderful as i know mine will be.

Our duet song…..

I am the only product from my parents, i think it was kind of like they were together, maybe it was pretty serious, maybe not so much, they ended up prego with urs truly, did the “right” thing and got married, i was born and it couldn’t have been too long, maybe i was about a year, and they divorced.  Each re-married fairly quickly and i know i was not too old because everytime my step-dad talks about the first time he met me i was running around in a diaper (thanks mom).  They both talk with me about some details but just some really and i dont really care about the details anymore.

What mattered to me most as a kid growing up was the fact that i lived in this house with my mom, step-dad, and brother, later on i got a little sister too, but i never really felt like i belonged anywhere.  They all had one last name and i had mine.  Yea sure they loved me, took care of me all that good stuff but it really sucked.  My dad had his new wife and 2 kids and they all had my name but when you are only there every other weekend it felt more like being a guest, on top of dealing with a 1/2 sister who didn’t want to let me have any time at all with my dad.

Today though, is not about me and being pissed off for not having things the way i wanted.  For those of you who really know me, know that i have 2 lives….B.B. & A.B. Before Bee well i was stupid, didn’t give a shit about myself and got myself in a situation with one of the most horrible ppl i have ever known.  Nothing and i repeat nothing good ever came out of that situation except one huge thing….my daughter.  She is one of three most important people in my life.  I love her with every piece of my soul, body and mind.

I told myself when i was a kid i would never have my kids in a situation like i was, having divorced parents, dealing with visitations and different names, too bad you have no idea what kinds of things lie ahead for you when you are just a kid.  Her biological father was the most miserable person i have ever known and by the time i saw all of these “wonderful” qualities she was on the way.  I’m not going into all of that with this post though, this is a happy post.  B.B. with the exception of my daughter was a horrible life but i got away, broke free.

This great life is A.B.  After Bee has been nothing less than absolutely fantastic and i knew that was it when we first met.  I will admit i was very nervous about having a kid going into this relationship but from the minute he met her she was his and that’s the way it’s been.  Now my life was finally great but i still had to deal with an insane jerk and it was once again an every other weekend kind of thing.  Which i hated for her to have to go through just as i did.

I have never wished ill on a human being in my life but for so many years how i wished this man would die, (hey don’t judge me, you have no idea what i went through)!  By some great miracle from…whom? I don’t know but i would put money on it that karma, when you mess with it, can truly be a mother fucker and something came right back around to him and just like that he was gone, drowned.

Which leads me to my point (i know…finally!).  Today changes everything.  Almost 9 years ago i was given this screaming just born baby who immediately stopped screaming the second she was in my arms and i cried at the sight of her beauty.  I had thought long and hard about this little girl who came into my life at a time i think i truly needed her.  Had given her my mother’s name as her middle name and her first name just fit who she is.  She has now thought long and hard and knows exactly who she is and who she wants to be.  What a truly difficult thing for an 8 year old to come to her parents and state that she is ready to change her name and be adopted.  I have no clue what it must feel like but am very amazed by this little lady.  To Bee nothing changes….his love for her has always been there, he has always been her father.  Coming from somebody who knows from experience, it’s a big day for me just as i know it is for her.  I know you may think, it’s just a name, but to her and i it is so much more.

This was really just a bunch of rambling, but i am so thankful for all that i have and am so excited for this day, nobody knows that more than me.

Dad & sis’s first jam together…….Ween – Up on the Hill

You know, I have great days and i have bad days.  For the most part my days are great, i’m a happy, positive person and i love keeping that attitude day in and day out.  Personally i think it would be very difficult to be mad, grumpy or moody all the time like some people that i know or work with.  That would just suck so much energy out of me.  But like i said, i do indeed have my down days.  On my bad days i stress.  What do i stress over?  Probably a lot of the same things that most people stress about…..$, kids, work, “necessities”.

Financially, we do well.  We don’t have tons but we don’t hurt, best spot i have ever been in during my young life, but on those days i feel we could use so much more (who couldn’t use more $).  But what do i want more $ for?  On those days i think i could probably be a bitch, i do my best to contain it well and the only person that really sees that nasty side is my husband but still i will say it, i can be a bitch.  I’m 30 and feel like i’ve done well, worked hard and still have yet to be able to go and get a car that i want rather than getting the car that is the best deal for me at the time, which is the way it has been since i was 15…..no this is the car you’re getting or this is the car we can afford… and on those bad days those thoughts piss me off.

There is so much work to be done on my house i don’t even know where to start, from broken garage doors, floors that need to be replaced, toilets that need to be fixed, a backyard that when i look at it i just cringe it needs so much work.  I could go on and on, but slowly i am working on these things, unfortunately these things also require $ and that pisses me off.  On these days i feel so overwhelmed, i really have never felt anything quite like it, but i do think i deal with it very well or try to anyhow.

It was just the other day where i had a day i felt like this and all of the wheels in that head of mine were churning at full speed pretty much from the start of my day to the finish of my day.  I need this, i need that, even in my sleep all of these “necessities” were running through my dreams.  As i was driving to work the next morning getting ready to drop my son off he asks “mommy, after it is Friday then can we all just stay home, together, all of us? Just you and daddy and me and sissy?”, thats all he needed and wanted.  I said sure buddy.  After i dropped him off it got me thinking because the little monster “necessities” had already started back in on me but i finally got myself back in check.

See, i don’t need all these things, i want them yes, but do i really need them?  I have a great husband who treats me better than anything beyond my wildest dreams, two wonderful, happy and HEALTHY kids who love their parents a ton (even though they have a funny way of showing it somedays), a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my tum.  All the while i stress myself out with “necessities” when everything i need is lying next to me in bed at night or tucked sweetly under their own covers in the other rooms of our house everything i will ever need i already have.  Sometimes you just need to snap out of it and you will see that everything that you need is already there, has been there and always will be there.  So enjoy the life that you have because you never know when it can all go and i certainly don’t want to regret not enjoying and appreciating every minute of mine.  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend taking care and enjoying your “necessities”, i know i will be.

This goes for all 3 of my besties…….http://www.zshare.net/audio/60370658a46bd26d/

I remember a long time ago, well what feels like a long time ago, but is really only about 5 years ago when i was pregnant with my son, i had some pretty bad morning sickness. Well ok, it wasn’t THAT bad but since i was not sick at all with my daughter it was bad for me. There was a day maybe more than just the one that my husband also felt sick and achy claiming to have sympathy pains, which i really didn’t want to hear about at the time. I was probably thinking in my head “if i could give you 1 day of any sympathy pains while pregnant or not…oh how i would!”

Skipping ahead to the present day…..a few weeks ago i started getting this awful pain on the left side of my neck. I say awful and it really is pretty awful. I have horrible teeth and have spent many hours in the dentist chair undergoing all kinds of painful and invasive treatments, given birth to two kids, so it’s not like i can’t deal with pain. It goes from up under my jaw down my neck to the tops of my shoulder and sometimes into my arm, even turning to look towards my left is painful. Around that same time my husband had a wisdom tooth flare up on his left side giving him enormous amounts of pain and so i told him he needed to get in and get checked out.

Well he got to the dentist who of course referred him to an oral surgeon and last Friday had 2 of the trouble makers removed, so he is definitely none the wiser…bada bup ; ) The night of 4 days post-op was very bad for him. He has pretty much been in some bad pain since the day after but that 4th night was exceptionally bad, maybe it was the fact he had his wife nagging @ him that she feared he had dry sockets, maybe it was the fact he was going in for a check up on it all the next morning and was overly worried about it, but either way he hurt.

That day my neck pain also flared up pretty bad, it had been doing ok, coming and going but nothing too bad but that day it was pretty bad. I hate to bitch about any pain especially to my husband when he is having so much himself but i did and he jokingly threw out “maybe its sympathy pains for me!” I think i probably rolled my eyes on that note. As i sat at my desk with the throbbing pain coming and going and me thinking to myself “ok i either a) have some tumor and who knows how bad it is or b) my heart is worse than my doc thinks and i am having a heart attack or something”, because this is how i think. It definitely could not be the fact that my best friend in the entire universe is hurting and there is not one damn thing i can do for him, except make sure he stays doped up and tell him i’m sorry and just maybe the stress i have caused myself worrying about him could be the result of my pain, no! It could not be that simple, could it?

I suggested this scenario to him and told him my pain reminds me of contractions….a very intense throbbing pain that just sits there and then finally i’m like wait? what? no pain! It comes and goes like this all day and we both had the pain at the same time. We already finish each others sentences, complete each others thoughts, so why not feel each others pains?

My point of this post? I don’t really know except to say that I LOVE the F out of him and as much as it has sucked for both of us i hope you all get to, have gotten to, or are getting to experience “sympathy pains”!

I told my husband, “I am so not into blogs, I mean I’m not into writing crap about myself. If people I know want to know something they can ask and if they don’t know me then they don’t need to ask”. He has had a blog for years and I have kept saying the same thing. I did the Myspce and Facebook thing and then Twitter came along and again I said “like I care about a person’s minute to minute status update, that’s stupid!” Then I got on to twitter and couldn’t really get into at first, I’m just not that interesting. My husband told me he heard or talked with someone who had said when you are first starting out on Twitter it takes work, and really it does but then you get the flow and you just go. So I became the “Master of my Domain” as far as Twitter goes and it was then that I said hey what the hell, if I can do this like a crazy person all day long surely I could write up some trials and tribulations of my daily/weekly/monthly life and post it to a blog for anybody and everybody to read or not read. So here it is my first post for what I hope was your reading pleasure welcome to my world and I hope that we can all become great friends in this great, wide, wonderful, beautiful world, doing the daily things we do with the awesome little thing of life that we have been given. On that note, for your listening pleasure….